How does it feel to be in a mental paralysis?
This is a post about how it feels for me to be stuck in my own mind and body and how my conclusion lead me to be more compassionate towards myself.
At the very moment as I am writing this, I have been in a series of mental blocks. A state of mind and body caused by a mix of self-doubt and questioning my writing abilities, changes in my daily life, as well as big decisions with unknown implications for my future.
Maybe you can relate to this. I have to write about it, straight from my mind and heart. To get it out into the world. To untangle the knot in my chest. The following is how I experience this weird state of locked in place, ADHD Paralysis or however you want to call it:
The Whirlwind Experience
It feels like losing control. One part of me acts on autopilot while my conscious self watches helplessly. My muscles tense, and I feel restless. Anger, anxiety, and frustration flood my mind, leading me to doom scroll, binge-watch, or play games for a fleeting kick of dopamine. Stress takes over.
I hear the world, but at the same time like wearing blinders. The stage curtains are slightly open, allowing glimpses but not the complete picture. Overwhelmed, I try to move but cannot. I end up scrolling through Instagram, consuming negative news, or playing Sudoku, Tetris, or city-building games. To name some of my current obsessions and Go-To distractions.
From the outside, I may appear like wasting my time away. But on the inside, a storm is raging. One, I am unable to navigate with my parachute. When someone tells me to get up now, I wish they could understand how much I wanted to do, that I am not doing this on purpose. Overstimulation drains me completely. It feels like I’ve just run a marathon when I finally break free. It is exhausting.
Finally, when stress peaks, adrenaline pushes me into action. It might happen after an hour or after the whole day went by without me realizing, that I can move again. I may get out the door late for an appointment but just in time if I’m lucky. Then I mask my way through social interactions. Smile when I feel like frowning. However, this surge comes at a cost. Afterwards, the crash feels like I hadn't slept in a week, fueling shame and self-doubt for the next episode of being stuck in my own body yet to come.
But there is hope. If I can break free from paralysis before hitting my breaking point, I conserve enough energy to treat myself better. Therein lies a chance:
Will I shame myself, or will I be compassionate?
Will I let others possible judgement (if intended or imagined) shape my self-perception?
Will I wait for the upcoming mental paralyzes, hoping for the best, or will I use my moments outside of it to prepare tools for next time?
Writing this post helped me to get myself out of another paralysis and to put my phone aside. It was hard to get here. It took me a long time, but that is how it is now. When I look back a few years, where I gave up projects like these over and over again, because the self-doubts and shame became too unbearable, I made massive progress when I consider that I was able to write a whole new post from the beginning till end in under an hour just now.
I want to celebrate this win with you!
Since I started writing this blog in May 2024, I published 11 posts, expanded my followers, brought activity to my subscriber community chat, and met wonderful people here on Substack. I created art, shared my experiences with ADHD and depression and learned from other people's experiences!
I love to hear your wins in the comments below or in the Subscriber Chat. May they be as small as getting out of bed today! I celebrate you!
I want to thank some people directly:
, , , , and the people of my local ADHD group, my community and Co-Working/Body-Doubling buddies!To my Love❤ who I want to hug right now!
Thank you peeps for the personal interactions, positive vibes, sharing of experiences and likes! All the love to you and thank you for existing! You make this world a better place!
And thank you for
, Matt Haig, and for existing and doing what you doing! Inspiring me and a whole lot of people out there!Just to name a few. There are so many wonderful people everywhere and in my life. Feel addressed by me!
All the love and Lídiant Wíalë ❤️
JayJay out! 🎤
My beloved JayJay!
You are a wonderful and very talented writer and human being! Never let those parts of you that try to tell you otherwise from time to time convince you that you are anything less than an extraordinary, worthy, helpful and inspiring person who I'm lucky to call a personal friend.
To write what you have just written takes an enormous amount of courage, willpower, self-love and willingness to help. I believe you hit the spot of many people with ADHD, depression, and other mental health conditions. You certainly hit mine: I actually cried while reading which is (sadly) a rather rare thing for me to do.
For me, it's not about the quality of each and every piece of virtual or real matter you create. It's about identifying yourself as someone whose values reflect in what you do consistently. That's where the real challenge lies: finding ways to keep being that person, no matter the circumstances. To keep on writing. To keep on walking - no matter how fast or how rocky the road!
It didn't take you 2 months to write this new blog post. No, you've been experiencing life and reflected on it. You learned how to keep walking, even when the walking gets tough. And here you are, showcasing your experiences and inspiring others to keep walking. Just like you did!
These past 2 months aren't "lost" at all! You just made sure of that. I KNOW that your learnings will continue to accelerate you on your journey to becoming... well, what would you like to be known for at the end of your life? Perhaps a famous author writing about mental health? Surely you're already walking that path.
Remember, even the best of the best experience writer's block and self-doubt. You probably know this, but here's a famous conversation between George R.R. Martin and Stephen King: https://youtu.be/xR7XMkjDGw0?si=VqR-SPBYTIW6uDeo
May it inspire you to stay true to your values!
All the best,
Christian
This is beautifully written 🤍